The Wind in my Sails

The emotions we have are not who we truly are.

Yesterday I was driving through a suburban neighborhood in Kansas City called Tiffany Springs. The homes are brand new, and right next to the strip mall with Target, Home Depot, Marshall’s and Chuck E Cheese. I wondered why am I living in a country that is so… awful? I could live in Europe, with a delicate climate, surrounded by ancient, charming architecture, with fresh baked bread that costs €3 instead of $8. When I was younger, I was enamoured with the mystique of America. The vastness of its nature and ‘the land of the free’, I idealized all things American and as a teen I visited a Dutch store called America Today to pick up almond M&M’s, since we don’t have those in The Netherlands normally. I adored my father’s stories on his travel through this country, he traveled with friends in a van in the seventies. They each ordered one pizza, and the waitress put them on separate tables and gave them each their huge pizza. -Still, pizza here is shared and eaten by the slice, while in Europe, each person gets his own pizza-

A mystique is often more romantic than reality, that’s not a surprise. People would probably say that I live in the Midwest, and that’s why things are the way they are here. Which is probably true. Me and my husband just returned from a short visit with his aunt and uncle on Vashon Island, on the coast of Seattle. Generally, people are more progressive and (eco)conscious, drink less Dr. Pepper (something I have not empirically researched but believe to be factual) and the surroundings… I’ve said about three times per day, “Wow, it’s so beautiful here.”

It’s easy to bash the Midwest and then romanticize the West, (or the East for that matter, we spent three months in Massachussetts -double S, double S, double T- in the fall of ‘22, and I felt I fit in better). People say that the grass is always greener on the other side, -which is probably untrue in this case since Midwesterners love mowing and fertilizing their lawns- but sometimes things are not a right fit and you have to move on until you’re thriving. You know when you are in the right space and place when things are in a natural flow, things are happening for you and miracles happen.

Another reason why occasionally I feel out of place in America in general is the cultural difference, and sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel truly at home here. Home is now a strange concept, because when I am visiting The Netherlands I also do not feel at home anymore. Home is where my heart is and my heart is in my body, so it could be anywhere? Anyway, back to cultural differences. The Northern European culture and the American one are similar, the differences are subtle and sometimes hard to pick up on for me. I so miss the Dutch straightforwardness and saying what you mean and then just do it. In Holland we’d plan seeing a friend weeks in advance sometimes, while here it's “let’s catch up soon!” and then it doesn’t really happen. I’ve felt awkward asking for clarity, trying not to be too pushy. It’s a balance, being me and how I am and living with the blueprint of the culture that I was raised in, and mixing that with the culture that I am living in today. One time, at a local restaurant me and my husband visited often, the waitress asked us: “How is everything for you?”. I answered that my fish wasn’t that good and overcooked, in a genuine effort to help them, since normally I always had great meals there. My husband of course said that his meal was “Fantastic!” and I realized the cultural code is that that is supposed to be the response, and that I was being rude.

Another thing, is that wearing a cute floral dress is considered dressing up. In the small town we live in, it’s normal to walk around in athleisure dress all day. I have asked my neighbor once if she was going to the gym, judging by her attire. But she wasn’t. My bad.

I do love seeing hummingbirds here. I love the absence of snails while gardening. I love sunshine. I love that I don’t have to parallel park anymore. I love that there’s more long-haired cats here.

This new album from Tabitha, a Dutch artist, is so great to my ears and soul. The song above is on her spiritual name, given to her by the Yawanawa tribe, a tribe who has been working more and more with the Western world, a blessing to us all.

It’s hard. Moving is hard. Being away from family and friends is hard. Feeling awkward in a different culture is hard. The wind was out of my sails this past week. Perhaps it was the full moon. Joe walked away from this country, and I felt ready to do the same. I moved here because of my husband and a longing for change and new momentum. Right now, I’m taking charge of my boat again and positioning it back in where it can catch some wind. I’m not sure where the wind will blow me, but I feel ready to ride again.

“You owe it to Yourself to be Yourself.” - Yogi Bhajan

This is part of me, this is part of my story. Sometimes there are days that are darker, that is part of the polarity of life. The key is to keep on going and not be in a mode of ‘stuckness’, taking a step in whatever direction, as long as the ship starts moving again.

Unsettled feelings and hardships are part of the human experience. I wondered if I should even post these thoughts that I have. I don’t want to whine, or complain. But ah well here it is. And for some brightness sharing some sunny pictures.

Vashon Island. A view of the Puget Sound, fresh plums everywhere (my favorite), tofu in the making and making new dog friends.